A Truth That I Resisted Untill It Finally Set Me Free

Some truths dont arrive faster like lightning. 

They arrive quietly.

They arrive again and again - untill the moment one is ready to listen.

I had always wanted to be that her, the one who handles both home and career. It was a dream that I carried in me seeing a few of my teachers, friend’s moms and a few other working woman. 

Life gives what is destined. For a few they get what they desire and a few had to accept what comes to them. 

I had always thought of myself to be a person who has the ability to juggle things effortlessly and climb up the ladder even if I get tired.

I tried hard.
I tried really hard.

To get into that or rather to start climbing the ladder, I equipped myself with all the academics and courses that is needed for the first step to become “The Successful Woman”. - which was my dream. But I had to get down from the first step itself rather than climbing up the ladder. I dreamed to start again once everything is settled, once kids grow up, once my personal responsibilities are over. I kept telling myself - That this is a small pause. 

When my friends who were my collegues kept moving up and up in the ladder, I dreamt of me in thier place without much jealousy. Deep down I wanted others to clap for me too. 

But life had other plans.

I could not say NO when my family needed me the most. I could not say NO when responsibilities beckoned me. As there were no extra hands to support or to hold my back, it was only me holding it all together quietly and ofcourse consistently. Inspite me constantly telling myself, I will get back may be next year, it never came. Years flew by like a sand and at times it irritated too but I never lost my cool as I felt there is always a next year.

I kept resisting the truth - why? I felt if I accept it it means I have failed.
But slowly and yes painfully- the truth started sinking in - the truth that I am not going back.

No, I am not incapable, but because my life have turned into a different road and I am now far ahead in that. I have given a lot of me and lot of things through out, though I have lost some and missed some. I have given myself fully and whole heartedly to whatever I have been doing all these years.

And here is what surprised me:
Truth did not break me. It set me free. Free from the press to prove my worth throughpromotions, free from having a guilt of not “having it all”.

Free to see what I as doing - holding a home, raising a family, showing up in need (which was not small). It was unseen work, but it all mattered the most. 

After the realisation, I found myself in new places, found excitement in whatever I do for the family. The stories I write now, the meals I had and still cook with love shows the unshakable strength I had and exhibited all along. I never knew or realised I had that strength.  

I decided not to blame myself for not fitting into the box once I stepped in. I am happy to see my growth in that path life had pulled and pushed me in. I am happy and I am free from the burdening thought of not having a career as the path I am in now have given me a badge of strength, sacrifice, grace and most importantly  FREEDOM.


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